You've Got (Hate) Mail!
by Egghead
Summary: Summary: Set just after he cuts ties w/ Cerberus, Shepard Decides To Share The Illusive Man's Contact Details To The Rest Of The Galaxy As A Form Of Payback For All The Grief He Has Caused. And The Results…. Are Certainly Not Pretty To Say The Least. Disclaimer: I Don't Own Mass Effect Or Any Of Their Characters, Ok?
1. Chapter 1

**You've Got (Hate) Mail**

 **Summary: Set just after he cuts ties w/ Cerberus, Shepard Decides To Share The Illusive Man's Contact Details To The Rest Of The Galaxy As A Form Of Payback For All The Grief He Has Caused. And The Results…. Are Certainly Not Pretty To Say The Least. Disclaimer: I Don't Own Mass Effect Or Any Of Their Characters, Ok?**

 **Chapter 1:**

 **Fr: CmdrShepard**

 **Subject: Have Fun**

Hiya.

I just want you to know what a real PRIVILEGE it has been working with you (I'm being sarcastic here if you haven't noticed).

I enjoyed doing your dirty work so much that I decided to share choice details of your illustrious organization (courtesy of the lovely Miss Lawson who sends her WARMEST regards) and your extranet email address to anyone interested.

And by anyone, I meant the ENTIRE galaxy at large. So goodluck with the expected influx of mail from all sorts of people and everything it entails. Teehee!

Well gotta go. Still have to come up with plans to save the galaxy and maybe in the process, throw a couple of HUGE monkey wrench in yours…. But then again, with the problems you've got coming your way, maybe I don't need to

Ciao

Commander John Shepard

Alliance N7 Marine & Citadel Council Spectre

 **Fr: JokersWild**

 **Subject: SUCKERS!**

Guess this is it.

I'd like to say it's been a blast working with you guys but I'd be lying.

Thanks for giving us the sweet ride though. And EDI. Can't forget about EDI.

Later SUCKERS! Hahahaha!

Lt. Jeff "Joker" Moreau

Alliance Pilot

 **Fr: LittleMsPoet**

 **Subject: Let Loose The Dogs Of War**

Dear Illusive Bastard

You pretty much get the idea of the header, right?

Now that the Skipper is out of the line of fire, there's NOTHING to stop me from going full bore N7 marine on your collective asses.

I KNOW your organization had something to do with the attack on the original Norrmandy. And if I know Shepard, you're prime suspects in his mind too.

When the time comes, we WILL find you in whatever rathole you're hiding in and when we do, expect it to hurt…. A whole lot.

Lt. Commander Ashley Williams

Alliance N7 Marine.

 **Fr: LTAlenkoBio**

 **Subject: Aspirins?**

Listen.

I'm not gonna waste my time arguing semantics with you coz I KNOW you're not going to listen and frankly speaking, it's not worth the headache.

I get enough of that from my implants, thank you very much.

But it will never be as bad as the fallout from Shepard's little revelation about your organization and it couldn't happen to a nicer group of guys. Hehehe.

Hope you stocked up on aspirins. You'ee gonna need it.

Lt. Commander Kaiden Alenko

Alliance N7 marine

 **Fr: TyrantWrex**

 **Subject: The Void Awaits**

Dear Pyjak

I believe the proper human term is 'You done goofed son'.

Not only did you decide to voluntarily bring back the very instrument of your destruction from the void, you also thought it'd be a good idea to strenthen him to the point that he is ALMOST as powerful as ME!

And you thought you could control him?! Hahahaha! That's hilarious! As if somebody whom Urdnot Wrex considers to be an equal could be so weak willed. And that was BEFORE you revived him.

I already asked Shepard if I could be there when he decides to go after you. I'm gonna enjoy watching you squirm like the worm you are so you better make it entertaining or else I might just get in on the action myself.

Hell…. I might just do that anyways just so you don't squirm your way out of it.

Urdnot Wrex

Krogan Overlord

 **Fr: TzorahVNormandy**

 **Subject: Payback**

Payback is a bitch Illusive Man.

And that bitch is carrying a shotgun and an omnitool full of dirty tricks.

Watch your back bosh'tet.

Admiral Tali Zorah Vas Normandy

 **Fr: Archangel**

 **Subject: Second Chances**

Hi. You may not know who I am so let me introduce myself. My name is Garrus Vakarian. Former C-Sec officer, former Spectre candidate and the vigilante formerly known as Arkangel.

Now I know what you're thinking. Why doesn't a xenophobic terrorist organization like yours know of Archangel's true identity? The answer? It's because you assumed he'd be human. And as we all know, to assume is to make an ASS out of U and ME…. Well maybe just you and your evil little minions rather then me.

But I digress. I wrote to you to say that despite all the atrocities you and your organization have done, I'm still very much willing to give you a chance. After all, you DID bring back my best friend from the dead and that act alone merits some consideration. Maybe a little head start when we get around to chasing you and your sycophants down.

By the way, do you know what's the maximum effective range of the Thanix cannon?

Garrus Vakarian AKA Archangel

 **Fr: SBroker**

 **Subject: Power**

To Mr. Jack Harper (Yes I know who you are)

They say that information is power.

And considering what I do these days, I've got quite a bit of it as you well know. All Shepard has to do is say the word and every resource at my disposal will be focused on you.

So may the goddess have mercy on your black soul because we certainly will not considering everything you and your organization have done.

Doctor Liara T'Soni AKA Shadow Broker

Author's Notes: Inspired from TenyumeKasumi's 'You've Got Mail', Something new for everybody. Enjoy


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

 **Fr: Bootylicious**

 **Subject: I told you so**

To my former employer:

Oh dear. I did warn you about Shepard's lightyear wide independent streak, didn't I? But like the stubborn, closeminded fool that you are, you ignored my advice of implanting some sort of control device on him while we were in the process of reviving him.

But then again, had you agreed to that, I would not have discovered your involvement with my dear, late father and his 'projects'. Something which I promise that I WILL pay you back for one of these days. And you KNOW, I ALWAYS keep my promises.

But for now, I will have to content myself to revealing to the galaxy at large, every dirty little secret I know about you and Cerberus. It may not end pleasantly for myself, but it will be infinitely worse for you.

Consider that my resignation from your organization and pray we NEVER see each other again you sanctimonous bastard.

Miranda Lawson

 **Fr: JTaylor**

 **Subject: I quit**

I guess there's no reason for me to prolong the agony, right?

I quit too. And for the record, those creepy assed peepers of yours always creeped me right the fuck out.

Later loser.

Jacob Taylor

 **Fr: YeoKelly**

 **Subject: Me Too!**

Hey! Wait up guys! Don't leave me with the dirty old man!

Yeah I know I'm a bit of an exhibitionist but getting watched by you just feels... Wrong.

You need professional help. More then I can provide.

Yeoman Kelly Chambers

 **Fr: MadSalarian**

 **Subject: The Cure**

Numerous similarities between Cerberus and cancerous diseases.

Numerous means of curing cancerous diseases also available.

Cutting it out prevents it from spreading. Failing that, aggressive treatment by burning it away with radiation or killing it outright with potent drugs reccomended.

Am fully qualified of doing all methods. Not afraid of doing all either if necessary.

Doctor Mordin Solus

 **Fr: Skarface**

 **Subject: Standards**

You really ARE a right goddamned bastard, you know that?

I'm a mercenary and I've done a lot of things I'm not very proud of but I've got some standards.

YOU my Illusive friend, are a goddamned monster.

All that shit I've seen you and your organization have pulled makes you even worse then even Vido. And that's saying something.

I know Shepard has dibs on you but when the time comes, I'll be more then happy to lend him Jessie to do the deed so I'll know I was somehow directly involved too.

I'll even provide the round that blows your goddamned head off free of charge.

Zaeed Massani

Blue Suns Commander

 **Fr: IamKrogan**

 **Subject: Hehehehe...**

My Battlemaster has spoken.

The time has come for us to cut ties with your weak, dishonorable ass…. Or maybe SHOOT it off with my shotgun which works too.

Either way, say your farewells to whatever deity you believe in if you have any. They won't help you against a REAL krogan on a mission. I WILL be seeing you soon.

Hehehehe….

Urdnot Grunt

 **Fr: WeRLegion**

 **Subject: Consensus**

A consensus has been reached.

The organization known as Cerberus deemed detrimental to all organic life.

Lethal force sanctioned against Cerberus unless prior notice has been made for complete surrender.

Resistance is futile.

Legion

 **Fr: PsychoBio**

 **Subject: !#* &**

Trillions upon trillions out there in the universe and you piss off your number one cheerleader as well as the guy who's been kicking major ass on a regular basis since day one. Including yours.

Two of the scariest fucking people besides me are after your fucking head now and they don't even have to do a fucking thing to get it because the rest of the galaxy are doing it for them!

I don't know if I should be impressed or laugh at your stupid ass for doing that…..

Who says I can't do both? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Kiss your ass goodbye bitch boy. You deserve every bootprint.

Jack AKA Subject Zero

 **Fr: Kunoichi**

 **Subject: Thanks**

Heya Timmy.

I hope you don't mind if I help myself to some of your stuff.

After all, you won't be needing anything where you're going after this fiasco, right?

Thanks so much

Kasumi Goto

 **Fr: SamaraJustice**

 **Subject: Oaths**

It is fortunate that I still have my oath to Commander Shepard. If I didn't, I would be forced to hunt you down and destroy you out of sheer principle.

And judging from your dubious track, so would a lot of other beings.

But then again, I may still have my chance if you persist in coming after Commander Shepard. So I suggest you don't because you will live longer. But not by much.

Find peace in the embrace of the goddess.

Samara

 **Fr: AssassinKrios**

 **Subject: A warning**

However uncharacteristic of me to do so, I feel I must warn you that your organization's actions have earned you quite a number of enemies from all walks of life.

Now it is not just Commander Shepard and his allies (Myself included) against Cerberus, it is LITERALLY everyone else against Cerberus.

Citizens…. Politicians…. Soldiers…. Mercenaries…. Assassins…..

You get the picture, do you not?

Thane Krios

Author's Notes: Chapter 2 for you guys. Enjoy and R&R pls.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3:**

 **Fr: MachoLatino**

 **Subject: Public Enemy Number 1**

Wow.

I've seen some really sick shit during my tour of duty as a marine. But those were tame in comparison to all the crap that you and your posse managed to pull off, pendejo.

But then again, I shouldn't expect anything less from Cerberus. It's assholes like you guys who give humanity such a bad rep. I'm glad loco decided to share to the universe what you guys are REALLY about.

Congratulations Timmy. You are now officially on everyone's shitlist. So do us a favor and shoot yourself, jump off a cliff…. Anything you can think of to save us the trouble of hunting you down or spare yourself some major league pain when we catch you. Coz as Ash told you, I expect it to hurt a lot.

James Vega

Alliance Marine

 **Fr: FlyGay**

 **Subject: Pray**

I can't help but fell that you assholes had something to do with my husband's death.

Mind you, there's no definitive proof of this. But every disaster that's been happening in the galaxy so far somehow has connections to Cerberus.

I don't really know if it's coincidence or not, but you better pray it IS just coincidence. I may not be half the soldier that Shepard is but I DO pilot a sophisticated shuttlecraft with some rather impressive guns. Guns which can flush you out and blow you away faster then you can say Cerberus.

I know I'd be doing the galaxy a huge favor if I do.

Lt. Steve Cortez

Alliance Pilot

 **Fr: CommBabe**

 **Subject: Git**

My my. You certainly know how to make enemies, don't you?

And what's worse is that you pass those atrocities as doing your part to ensure humanity survives.

Well here's a newsflash for you. It's more likely that your 'patriotic' acts is more liable to wipe us off the face of the galaxy if anything else.

All because of a poor, deluded and piss poor excuse for a human being like you.

Samantha Traynor

 **Fr: EdiAI**

 **Subject: Contradictions**

Illusive Man. You are a curious study of contradictions.

Despite all your claims that you are working for the betterment of humanity, your actions speaks of an alarming lack of concern for your fellow man.

Between your despicable experiments and outright terrorist acts of mayhem, murder and slavery, I find it rather difficult to even classify you as human being nowadays.

You should also be aware that I am not the only sentient being who thinks as such.

EDI

 **Fr: LastPro**

 **Subject: In Any Cycle….**

I have researched your organization's name using the internet.

Cerberus was supposed to be the guardian and protector of the gates of the underworld in human mythology.

You are neither guardian nor protector.

More than anybody else, I could appreciate a certain amount of ruthlessness and dedication to your cause but what you have done can hardly be called fighting for a cause.

You are simply a mad dog who is out of control and needs putting down.

And in ANY cycle, THAT is what needs to be done.

Javik

Author's Notes: New chappie for you guys. A little short, but hopefully just as good. Also added a character in Chapter 2. R&R guys :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4:**

 **Fr: DoctorIsIn**

 **Subject: Examination**

As inappropriate it may be for a legitimate medical practitioner to think this way, but after going over the record of what Cerberus has done, I have this very strong urge to forcibly bring you and your ilk in for some corrective surgical procedure.

Minus the anesthesia, of course.

I know that it may sound unethical of me, but I don't really need to worry about that when it comes to Cerberus, do I?

Dr. Karin Chakwas

Alliance Doctor

 **Fr: NormandyCE**

 **Subject: Second Rate**

Knowing what I did about what Cerberus was all about, I really thought Commander Shepard turned his back on us.

I was wrong.

When I read about all the actual shit Cerberus had done in the report, I KNEW that the Commander was too decent a person to collude with the likes of you assholes. He is still the same CO whom I'd follow to hell and back without a second thought.

And considering what he's up against these days, there's a good chance of that actually happening.

Thanks for the ship though. I know I'm being biased when I say that it really can't replace the old Normandy, but it's close enough for me to almost forget that it came from damned terrorists.

Almost, but not quite.

Lieutenant Gregory Adams

Normandy Chief Engineer.

 **Fr: DynamicDuo**

 **Subject: Your Shit Is Ours!**

Ken: I KNEW it! I knew you really are a sick, shifty bastard! But its really coming back to bite you in the arse, isn't it Mister Illusive Man?

Gabby: Language Ken! Oh…. My bad…. I thought we were still with polite company. Sorry Ken. You may carry on ripping our ex employer a new one.

Ken: There IS quite a bit more I'd like to say but I thought that maybe, ye'd like your turn at it.

Gabby: Why thank you Ken. That's so sweet of you. As my esteemed colleague has so subtly pointed out, you are now getting yours asshole. You thought we'd never find out what you've been up too huh. Well, you pretty much screwed up when you tried your spiel on Commander Shepard. All your shit is ours now Timmy and there ain't nothing you can do about it.

Ken: Yeah. So goodbye, farewell and all that rot mate. Thanks for the ship and don't let the airlock hit you in the arse on your way out.

Kenneth Donelly And Gabriella Daniels

Alliance Engineers

 **Fr: IronChefNormandy**

 **Subject: Your Goose Is Cooked**

Yer lucky that your carcass is too damned rotten to be any use to me.

Otherwise, I'd chop you up and make stew outta you.

Rupert Gardner

Normandy Mess Chief

 **Fr: AdmAndersom**

 **Subject: Not Gonna Happen**

I gotta admit that I was worried on how Shepard will turn out hearing you got your dirty mitts on him after the attack on the original Normandy. But all in all, it has been a pleasant surprise.

From the moment I saw him again, I knew Shepard is not the type of guy who will just go along with you damned Nazi manifesto of human superiority.

He simply does things because it's the right thing to do and NOT because he believes the garbage coming out of your sewer hole of a mouth.

You best contemplate on that because I reckon you don't really have much time to do so.

Admiral David Anderson

 **Fr: AdmHackett**

 **Subject: Status Quo**

If there is one thing I learned in my long career in the service, it's that you should NEVER try to write a check that you simply don't have the means to cash in.

And that is precisely what you did. You're so neck deep in your own delusions of grandeur that there is just no way for you to claw out of it. And somehow, I think you're insane enough that you don't really want to do so either.

I actually pity you. If humanity was really meant to rise above everything else in the galaxy, they won't be able to do so by being the so called superior race. We'll accomplish this by doing what we've always done. Persevere, believe and thrive under pressure.

I won't let Cerberus change that.

Hackett out.

Admiral Stephen Hackett

 **Fr: KSanders**

 **Subject: Never Again**

To the Illusive Man

I will NEVER let my students fall into your dirty clutches.

Your organization have done more then enough damage to one of them and to think you want to do the same or something worse to the rest of them is despicable.

Now I am a normally peaceful person but if you DO try to take them again, me and Subject Zero (Yes I know that's what you called Jack before) will have something to say about that in the most violent way we can come up with.

Kahlee Sanders

Author's Notes: New chappie for you guys. R&R pls


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5:**

 **Fr: SalarRep**

 **Subject: A Mistake**

To the Illusive Man. Or should I say, Mister Jack Harper?

Yes we know who you are. The Shadow Broker was kind enough to send the Salarian Union, the Turian Hierarchy and the Asari Republic information of your real identity and background for which we are thankful for because it makes the task of tracking you and your organization down so much simpler.

I have to admit that your plan to take over the Citadel was very well thought out and thorough so I am rather surprised you did not factor any interference from Shepard and his associates. Then again, it allowed the Commander to save the Council's lives yet again. And mine in particular at the hands of your assassin though at the cost of Shepard's Drell associate.

It was a grievous mistake on your part. A mistake which the Salarian Union and the STG will NOT make. Commander Shepard may prefer to deal with the assassin who killed his associate but there is nothing to prevent us from dealing with you and the rest of Cerberus.

You won't know when and you won't know where but it WILL happen. It will only be a matter of time and opportunity.

Councilor Valern

Salarian Councilor

 **Fr: AsarRep**

 **Subject: Never Forgotten**

On behalf of the Asari Republic, We are condemning the actions of the organization known as Cerberus which is currently led by one Jack Harper AKA The Illusive Man.

Your list of crimes against sentient life is long and horrific. And despite our firm stance against capital punishment of any sort, we feel that you and your organization deserve nothing less.

Of course, that does not mean we have forgotten your part in the resurrection of Commander Shepard. A man whom we greatly admire and respect for his actions during the Geth invasion of the Citadel. But it does NOT make your heinous acts any less severe.

The Asari people will NEVER forget what Shepard has done for us. And by the same token, we will also NEVER forgot what you and your organization have done TO us.

Councilor Tevos

Asari Councilor

 **Fr: TurRep**

 **Subject: Be Afraid**

Turians are not good at being subtle like the Salarians.

Neither are we diplomatic like the Asari.

But the one thing that we ARE good is waging war. Turians were born and bred for it and there is nobody better.

You, Mister Jack Harper, through your decisions and actions, you have effectively declared war on the Hierarchy and you are right to be afraid.

After all, we have glassed planets and have committed genocide as preemptive measures to protect our people. What do you think are we capable of when we go on the offensive against people who have actually done us wrong?

Be afraid Cerberus. Because if Shepard doesn't got to you first, then you can be sure that the full measure of the Turian fleet will be the one to finish the job.

Councilor Sparatus

Turian Councilor

 **Fr: BaileyCSec**

 **Subject: Punk**

You took your shot punk.

You took your shot and blew it.

You killed a lot of good people in the process and you tried to off me too. That's something I can neither forgive nor forget.

Maybe Vakarian had the right idea when he quit CSec. Unlike me, nothing's gonna hold him back from putting a bullet between your eyes if he sees you.

Maybe it's not too late for me to change careers.

Captain Bailey

CSec Commander

 **Fr: JonBau**

 **Subject: Spectre**

Spectres are known for getting the job done by any means necessary. Even if it means getting your hands a little dirty from time to time.

Shepard is a shining example of one.

For him to be able to cooperate with the likes of you and your organization for the greater good is nothing short of a sacrifice on his part and I applaud him for it.

So now it is OUR turn to get OUR hands a little dirty.

You best prepare yourself because we ARE coming for you. We will not let Shepard's sacrifice go to waste and we WILL get the job done. Count on it.

Jondam Bau, Council Spectre

 **Fr: BarlaVon**

 **Subject: Shadow Broker**

You Earth Clan Harper have made a very grievous mistake.

Very, very few people have crossed the Shadow Broker and lived to regret it. Unfortunately, you will NOT be one of them.

In all my profitable years of association with the Broker, I have never heard him sound so angry and considering he uses a voice synthesizer when speaking to me, that is saying something.

I hope you are prepared for the consequences of your action because, considering who you have made an enemy of, you will not have much time to reflect on it.

Barla Von

Author's Notes: A new chappie for you guys. Enjoy


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6:**

Fr: QueenOfOmega

Subject: Don't f*#k with me

I've warned you before and I'll say it again Mister Jack Harper. Don't fuck with Aria or Omega.

But it seems like the message hasn't quite sunk in yet.

Dear me. Wasn't sending back the head of that general that tried to take over Omega enough? It seems like I need to exert more effort to teach you that lesson.

Well it doesn't really matter. It'll only be a matter of time before I find out where you're hiding. And then I'll be more then happy to personally drive the point home.

Preferably through that thick skull of yours just to make sure.

Aria T'Loak

Queen Of Omega

Fr: Patriarch

Subject: Krantt

My Krantt tells me of your treacherous ways Mister Harper. Can't say I'm surprised about it.

I know a little bit about treachery myself. But I also know something about revenge. And I approve the way Shepard is going about his to you.

Maybe I'll even get the chance to join him in his quest for vengeance and see how much of my old skills I can still remember.

And I look forward to testing them all on you.

Patriarch

Fr: BatarianXO

Subject: Bastard

Shepard is about the only human whom I actually like. Mainly because he hasn't tried to kill me despite his history with Batarians and that he scares the crap out of me.

So you can probably understand why I may be just a little peeved with you.

But then again, it's probably no different then what HE is feeling for you. If anything else, it might actually be worse.

So yeah. Shepard doesn't really need me to fight his battles for him. He's got that well in hand.

And I don't pity you one bit for it.

Not that I really care one way or another.

Bray

Fr: GavornSnipes

Subject: Insurance

Huh.

It looks like I've got my next assignment.

And frankly speaking, it couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

Hope your employees have insurance pal.

Gavorn

Fr: EclipseOrg

Subject: In the black

Greetings Mister Harper

My name is Sayn and I am the current leader of Eclipse.

I received information about your activities and decided that the perfect way to pay my debt to Commander Shepard for putting me in this position of influence is to capture you for the authorities.

This will establish Eclipse as a legitimate mercenary outfit on top of making things square with Shepard.

Please don't make things harder than it has to be.

Sayn

Eclipse Leader

Fr: BlueSunsNet

Subject: You're mine!

Don't listen to that pencil necked Salarian, Harper.

If anyone's getting the bounty for your head, it's gonna be me.

And I'm don't really care if I get you alive or dead either. Hehehe….

Darner Vosque

Blue Suns Leader

Fr: BloodPackCom

Subject: ME!

Jack Harper.

Eclipse and Blue Suns no good.

Your head MINE!

Blood Pack get glory AND money!

Gryll

Blood Pack Leader

Author's Notes: Another chappie for you guys. Enjoy and R&R


End file.
